Heaven Can Wait
by Anthony Lane
...There has been much debate over Dan Brown's novel ever since it was published, in 2003, but no question has been more contentious than this: if a person of sound mind begins reading the book at ten o'clock in the morning, at what time will he or she come to the realization that it is unmitigated junk? The answer, in my case, was 10:00.03, shortly after I read the opening sentence: "Renowned curator Jacques Saunière staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's Grand Gallery."
With that one word, "renowned," Brown proves that he hails from the school of elbow-joggers—nervy, worrisome authors who can't stop shoving us along with jabs of information and opinion that we don't yet require. (Buried far below this tic is an author's fear that his command of basic, unadorned English will not do the job; in the case of Brown, he's right.) You could dismiss that first stumble as a blip, but consider this, discovered on a random skim through the book: "Prominent New York editor Jonas Faukman tugged nervously at his goatee." What is more, he does so over "a half-eaten power lunch," one of the saddest phrases I have ever heard....How timid—how undefended in their powers of reason—must people be in order to yield to such preening? Are they reading "The DaVinciCode" because everybody on the subway is doing the same, and, if so, why, when they reach their stop, do they not realize their mistake and leave it on the seat, to be gathered up by the next sucker? Despite repeated attempts, I have never managed to crawl past page 100. As I sat down to watch "The DaVinciCode," therefore, I was in the lonely, if enviable, position of not actually knowing what happens.
Stumbling out from the final credits, tugging nervously at my goatee, I was none the wiser...
...As far as I am qualified to judge, the film remains unswervingly loyal to the book, displaying an obedience that Silas could not hope to match. I welcome this fidelity, because it allows us to propose a syllogism. The movie is baloney; the movie is an accurate representation of the book; therefore, the book is also baloney, although it takes even longer to consume...
...Behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people, except at Columbia Pictures, where the power lunches won't even be half-started. The Catholic Church has nothing to fear from this film. It is not just tripe. It is self-evident, spirit-lowering tripe that could not conceivably cause a single member of the flock to turn aside from the faith. Meanwhile, art historians can sleep easy once more, while fans of the book, which has finally been exposed for the pompous fraud that it is, will be shaken from their trance. In fact, the sole beneficiaries of the entire fiasco will be members of Opus Dei, some of whom practice mortification of the flesh. From now on, such penance will be simple—no lashings, no spiked cuff around the thigh. Just the price of a movie ticket, and two and a half hours of pain.
