shoot the piano player

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

2008-05-19T10:50:00.007-06:00

Re: Pity Party by Peggy Noonan
Wall Street Journal | May 17, 2008

Peggy Noonann is right: the GOP is in serious trouble. But Ms. Noonan seems to think that Republicans could have saved themselves (and their party) by breaking with the administration sometime between Bush’s second inaugural address in 2005 and the midterm elections in 2006. This timeline is ill-judged.

While some maintain that the magnitude of the administration’s failures did not come to light until after Mr. Bush was reelected, there is no disputing that these failures were the direct result of decisions made, budgets implemented, and wars started during the President’s first term. That those who anticipated the devastating outcome of these indiscretions turned out to be right is not a matter coincidence.

After seven and a half years of reckless leadership, America is craving prudence, accountability, and intuition. The wise Republican would have broken with the administration long before Mr. Bush renewed his four-year lease on Pennsylvania Avenue.

The pink slips are stamped, sealed, and ready to deliver. But they were filled out six years ago.

Click here to read Noonan's column.

THE BATTLE LOST AND WON

2008-05-19T10:47:00.004-06:00

Christopher campaigning in Gary, Indiana.

For more photos, see the New York Times Polling Place Photo Project.

Orient Express

2007-10-05T13:52:00.000-06:00

Check out my new photo blog The Orient Express to see pictures of Istanbul. Click here

DARJEELING LIMITED

2007-08-28T10:13:00.001-06:00

Opens September 29. Excited?

Click here for HD trailer.

WEEK IN REVIEW

2007-08-28T09:26:00.000-06:00

Highlights from Harper's Weekly Review

[Titles added.]

HOLY JURIS DOCTOR, BATMAN!
Patrick Leahy, the 67-year old Democratic senator from Vermont who as chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee is pressing the Bush Administration to turn over documents relating to its warrantless wiretapping program, revealed that he has a small part in the upcoming Batman movie, and that he had to let his remaining hair grow out for the role.

GET YOUR FLAGS READY...
Melting ice in the Arctic revealed previously unknown islands that have yet to be claimed.

YOU MEAN PEOPLE MAGAZINE DOESN'T COUNT?
Studies in the U.S. showed that one in four adults read no books last year.

HAVE YOU TRIED E-BAY?
After waiting 55 years for a Purple Heart, Nyles Reed, a 75-year-old Korean War veteran and former Marine, received a form letter from Navy Personnel Command saying the medal was out of stock and suggesting that he buy his own.

ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME, TERESA
Previously unpublished letters by Mother Teresa revealed that beginning in 1948 and continuing until the end of her life in 1997 she was unable to sense the presence of God. "Repulsed--empty--no faith--no love--no zeal," she wrote. "Heaven means nothing."

Life Is Beautiful

2007-08-22T22:52:00.000-06:00

Super Mini RF Wireless Optical Mouse
User Manual

Welcome
Thank you for selecting this product! Your RF wireless optical mouse uses a newly developed wireless technology that replaces the traditional wired mouse. You can use your wireless optical mouse freely and improve your efficiency and enjoy your beautiful life from the high technology.

Product Features
1. Radio frequency 27MHz, enjoy your freely wireless spacs
2. It has 256 ID code, there is no interference even many mice being used at the same time.
3. Automatically save power sleeping functions, battery life be prolonged.

The Steps of Install Battery
1. Please prepare for two PCS new AAA alkaline batteries.
2. Press the button of the mouse upper cover and pull the battery cover rearward.
3. Please insert the batteries.
4. Pull the battery covers forward, when you heaf "crack" sound which shows the battery cover is locked successfully.

Receiver Installation
1. If you use PS/2 connector, please use the USB to PS/2 adaptor and connect with the connector before your computer start-up.
2. If you use desk PC, there is a little far between the case and your working surface, suggest you use an extended USB cable to connect your case and the receiver, so you can place the receiver on your working surface conveniently.

ID Setup
1. Please move the mouse near to the receiver
2. Press the ID button of the receiver by your hand, the receiver light begin to flash
3. Press the ID button of the mouse bottom with some hard and acuate object within 10 seconds, the receiver light will flash successfully to finish the digital transmission between the mouse and the receiver. You may start to use it.
4. Working distance:within 1-2 meters.

Attention Please
1. Please don't make the mouse far away from the receiver in order to work more smoothly.
2. You'd better use the mouse on the white desk, in this way the batteries can be used longer time. Please remove thebatteries if the mouse will not be used for a long time.
3. This mouse with save power sleeping functions, Please press any key or scroll the wheel to wake up the mouse when it is sleeping.
4. If you want to take off the mouse power, please continue to press the ID switch of the mouse bottom over 3 secons.If you want to take on the power,please click the ID switch once again.
5. The optical mouse will not work freely on a smooth desk, glass, any reflecting surface,3D mouse pad.
6. No need to check the digital connection within 10 seconds when change the batteries, if more that thatplease according to the above way to re-operate.

Caution
Any changes or modifications not expressly approved by the party responsible for compliance could void the user's authority to operate the equipment.

Reading and Writing

2007-08-18T00:26:00.000-06:00

From an essay titled "Defeating the Poem" by Denis Donoghue, which appeared in the New Criterion in April 2006:

When I started teaching, at University College, Dublin many years ago, I urged students to believe that the merit of reading a great poem, play, or novel consisted in the pleasure of gaining access to deeply imagined lives other than their own. Over the years, that appeal, still cogent to me, seems to have lost much of its persuasive force. Students seem to be convinced that their own lives are the primary and sufficient incentive. They report that reading literature is mainly a burden. Those students who think of themselves as writers and take classes in "creative writing" to define themselves as poets or fiction writers evidently write more than they read, and regard reading as a gross expenditure of time and energy. They are not open to the notion that one learns to write by reading good writers.

In class, many students are ready to talk, but they want to talk either about themselves or about large-scale public themes, independent of the books they are supposedly reading. They are happy to denounce imperialism and colonialism rather than read "Heart of Darkness" Kim, and A Passage to India in which imperialism and colonialism are held up to complex judgment. They are voluble in giving you their opinions on race and its injustices, but nearly tongue-tied when it is a question of submitting themselves to the languages of The Sound and the Fury, Things Fall Apart, and A Bend in the River. They find it arduous to engage with the styles of Hard Times and The Wings of the Dove, but easy to say what they think about industrialism, adultery, and greed.

Amazon Don

2007-08-18T00:10:00.000-06:00

From an essay titled "Literary Entrails: The boys in the alley, the disappearing readers, and the novel's ghostly twin" by Cynthia Ozick, which appeared in the April 2007 issue of Harper's.

Less innocent is the rise of the non-professional reviewer on Amazon--though "rise" suggests an ascent, whereas this computerized exploitation, through commerce and cynicism, of typically unlettered exhibitionists signals a new low in public responsibility. Unlike the valued book club reviewer, who may be cozily challenged by companionable discourse, Amazon's "customer reviewer" goes uncontested and unedited: the customer is always right. And the customer, the star of this shoddy procedure, controls the number of stars that reward or denigrate writers. Amazon's unspoken credo is that anyone, or everyone is well suited to make literary judgements--so that a reader of chick lit (the term defines the reader), perhaps misled by ad hype (the term defines book marketing), will howl with impatience at any serious literary fiction she may have blundered into. Here is "Peggy of Sacramento (see my other reviews)" grudgingly granting one ill-intentioned star to a demanding contemporary novel: "boring slowness, hard going, characters not even a mother could love." Or Tim: "A thoroughly depressing book. The home life was not a pleasant atmosphere in which to raise children." Most customer reviewers, though clearly tough customers when it comes to awarding stars, are not tough enough--or well-read enough--for tragic realism or psychological complexity. Amazon encourages naive and unqualified readers who look for easy prose and uplifting endings to expose there insipidities to mass audience. It is true that one can, on occasion, find on Amazon a literate, lively, penetratingly intelligent response: an artful golden minnow in a fetid sea, where both praise and blame are leveled by tsunamis of incapacity.

(Academic theorists equipped with advanced degrees, who make up yet another species of limited reviewers, are worthy only of a parenthesis. Their confining ideologies, heavily politicized and rendered in a kind of multi-syllabic pidgin, have for decades marinated literature in dogma. Of these inflated dons and doctors it is futile speak, since, unlike the hardier customers reviewers, they are destined to vanish like the fog they evoke.

INDEX

2007-08-12T12:24:00.000-06:00

Highlights from Harper's Index
June 2007

[Interested in a career in print media?]

Percentage change since 1990 in worldwide demand for newsprint: +18
Percentage change in North America: -26
Minimum number of different books sold in the U.S. last year, as tracked by Nielson BookScan: 1,446,000
Number of these that sold fewer than 99 copies: 1,123,000
Number that sold more than 100,000: 483

[Mudslide]

Number of months that mud has been erupting from the ground in eastern Java, Indonesia: 10
Amount that is currently emerging per day, in gallons: 36,900,000

[Flying Objects]

Grant that NASA has given an Arizona astronomer to study how to block solar rays with a cloud of small spacecraft: $70,000
Number of two-foot-wide spacecraft he says would be required: 16,000,000,000,000

[Published in Harper's, June 2007. "Harper's Index" is a registered trademark.]

SECTION IV, Part B

2007-08-09T22:09:00.000-06:00

LOGIC/REASONING

Following a refreshing dip in Central Park's Lasker Pool, you discover, much to your dismay, that you forgot to remove your cell phone from the cargo pocket of your new swim trunks.

Oops!

Oberto, the technical specialist at the Gramercy Park Verizon Wireless Retail Center, is pleased to report that your SIM card survived the flood. He assures you that, after purchasing a new LG VX9400 phone ($199.99 after 2-year service agreement and $50.00 mail-in rebate), you will be able to make and receive calls with no trouble at all.

Here's what Oberto doesn't realize: Due to its prolonged submersion, your SIM card has short circuited, and--perhaps a mere freak occurrence--it now operates in a manner similar to that of the Flux Capacitor. (See SECTION XI, Part A. CRITICAL ANALYSIS OF FILMS SET IN 1985.) Each time you place a call, you find that the recipient is trapped in the past--somewhere between 1992 and today.

Moreover, Oberto--who is probably just trying to be courteous; he probably doesn't want to embarrass you--fails to question the fact that you only have 3 telephone numbers stored on your SIM card. Again, however, what Oberto doesn't realize is that, because of your SIM Card's prolonged exposure to public bathwater, out of your 126 contacts, you are only able to access 3 numbers at any given time.

Finally, it should be noted that some of the numbers that appear in your address book (which will, as mentioned before, invariably connect you to a different hour, day, month, or year) are numbers you have never seen before--though they may belong to people with whom you're quite familiar. (This, too, seems to be the result of the chlorine marinade.)

Below, you will find a series of situations in which you might need to place a phone call. After each scenario, you will see a list of the only 3 contacts your phone will display at that given time, coupled with a brief description of the circumstances in which each of these contacts finds him or herself.

For each scenario, pick the person who you think would be the most helpful. Include a brief explanation (no more than 65 words) of your choice in the space provided. You are allowed just one selection per scenario. Note: There are no "right" answers.

1. You have a flat tire and your Aunt Mary's Volvo station wagon doesn't seem to have a car jack. Your AAA membership expired four months ago. Who do you call?

a) MRS. O, who has just discovered that her son Nick appears in the Winnetka Talk Police Blotter for the second time in two weeks. (He was caught with two ounces of Marijuana in the glove box of his car, and a spelling error in last week's blotter resulted in a reprint of the entire section.)

b) DICK DURBIN moments after he inadvertently confused the name "Osama" (as in Al Qaeda mastermind Osama Bin Laden) and "Obama" (as in fellow Illinois Senator Barack Obama), replacing the latter with the former.

c) ELLIOTT G., your best friend from high school, who has just taken the first three bong hits in his life (part of a hazing ritual for a secret society at Yale University). He is now marching in a circle chanting: "We want the Cooks! We want the Cooks!"

2. You've broken up with your girlfriend of two years after discovering that she has, for quite some time, been attending weekly Catholic Mass (it makes her feel "welcome") in spite of the fact that both of your fathers are Rabbis at Temple Beth Torah in Nyack. You need some support, who do you call?

a) WHITNEY D., your ex-girlfriend's best friend, who is lip-locked with the boy of her dreams (second dream-boy in three years) on her Birthright trip (fourth trip in five years) to Tel Aviv.

b) CHAD LIBERMAN, your little sister's ex-boyfriend, who was expelled from his birthright trip yesterday, after repeatedly referring to his group leader as "Yasser Arafat." He is waiting for his father to pick him up at Kennedy International Airport.

c) THE REVEREND TED HAGGARD, who has just graduated from a three-week gay conversion course, and is now 100% heterosexual.

3. You're writing an essay about Shakespeare's use of the subjunctive mood in "Macbeth." The essay, your final assignment for the semester, is due in twenty-five minutes, and you can't seem to remember the difference between transitive and intransitive verbs. Your Internet access is down and your reference books are already in storage for the summer. Who do you call?

a) AL GORE, two minutes after the United States Supreme Court delivered its per curiam opinion on "Bush v. Gore"--ultimately ruling that a manual ballot recount in Florida would be unconstitutional.

b) H. MEYERS, who, moments ago, walked in on her seventeen-year-old son, Arthur, lying naked on his bed, masturbating. (She just wanted to tell him that dinner would be ready in five minutes.)

c) RONALD REAGAN.

When you have made your selections, please put your pencil down and wait for the proctor to deliver additional instructions. You MAY NOT return to previous sections of the exam.

But you didn't.

2007-06-05T00:13:00.000-06:00

Following, is a letter I wrote to the Editor of the New York Times in response to Aimee Mann's June 3 op-ed "P.S. I Loved You." Below, you will find the complete text of the editorial.

Dear Editor:

In her June 3 editorial, "P.S. I Loved You," Aimee Mann confesses that she is "burnt out" on the Beatles' 1967 LP, "Sgt. Pepper's." She gripes that the lyrics lack "emotional depth," and that Lennon's melodies are "underwritten." In the end, Mann likens her experience with "Sgt. Pepper's" to beating her father at chess.

I am reminded of an apocryphal story about a young artist who, upon seeing Picasso's "Guernica" (or was it Pollock's "Summertime"?) brazenly asserts, "I could do that!" The artist's mentor is quick to confirm this sentiment: "Yes, you could do that," he says. "But you didn't."

Let's be clear about one thing, Aimee: You haven't beat John Lennon at chess.

Christopher Devine
Chicago, IL

P.S. I Loved You
By Aimee Mann

MY big brother was always the one to bring new music into the house. Until I heard the Beatles playing on his stereo in the basement, my favorite music had been Glen Campbell singing “Galveston” or my father playing “Won’t You Come Home, Bill Bailey” on the piano.

I was young enough to giggle when my brother changed the words of “P.S. I Love You” to...something more puerile, and four years later, young enough to think that “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” was really a band, and not the name of a Beatles record. In those intervening years, a transformation had taken place, and both the sound and the look of the Beatles had completely changed. Also, I was a little slow on the uptake, and didn’t notice the name “Beatles” spelled out in flowers on the cover.

Is it a testament to the quality, or purity, or beauty, or timelessness of that record (released 40 years ago this weekend) that it appealed so thoroughly to an 8-year-old, one who had virtually no contact with pop culture? I could not have been more out of tune with the zeitgeist — it would be two more years before I discovered radio, and even then I would have only the vaguest notion of what was out there. I bought my first LP solely on the basis of the cover (one of the reasons today I try to take extra care with the packaging of my CDs). It was pure dumb luck that it turned out to be Elton John’s “Madman Across the Water,” still one of my favorite albums of all time.

But the favorite is, and was, and must remain “Sgt. Pepper’s.” I had a love affair like no other with that record. My brother had bought it, of course, and when I heard it, I braved his wrath and smuggled it out to my friend’s house so I could play it over and over. You’d have had to know my brother back then to fully understand how daring that was.

In a way, that record seemed made for children: the fun false mustaches that came with the package, the bright shiny outfits, the cheery melodies, the jaunty horns. The band itself seemed almost irrelevant — scruffy mustachioed men in costumes, lost in a sea of collaged faces. I ignored them.

My ignorance extended to the opening song, which I took at face value as a real live introduction of the singer Billy Shears, who, whoever he was, became my favorite, with his dopey baritone, in humble gratitude for his pals — bless them, it all was so innocent, those marmalade skies and winking meter maids (whatever they were). The darkest moments were with the runaway girl — although a throwaway line in “Getting Better” (“I was cruel to my woman, I beat her...”) gave me pause. He beat her? What the heck? But hey — things were getting better all the time, so ... I shrugged and let it go.

And then things took a weird turn: a nightmare cacophony of strings, someone blowing his mind out in a car — what was that? Did he get shot in the head? What were the holes in Albert Hall? Things had gotten creepy and dark, and it lost me. I started skipping that last song.

I can’t listen to “Sgt. Pepper’s” anymore. As a musician, I’m burnt out on it — its influence has been so vast and profound. As a lyricist, I find that my ear has become more attuned to the likes of Fiona Apple and Elliot Smith, and though the words of “Sgt. Pepper’s” are full of vivid images — Rita’s bag slung over her shoulder, Mr. Kite sailing through a hogshead of fire, the runaway girl with her handkerchief — there’s an emotional depth that’s missing. I’m ashamed to say it, but sometimes John Lennon’s melodies feel a bit underwritten, while Paul McCartney’s relentless cheerfulness is depressing. The very jauntiness I used to love as a girl feels as if it’s covering up a sadder subtext. And what’s bleaker than a brave face?

The whole experience is uncomfortable, like realizing you can beat your own father at chess or arm-wrestling. I don’t want to go back and find that the carcass has been picked clean. Because I know without a doubt that “Sgt. Pepper’s” changed the course of my life. If the magic is gone, it’s only because first loves can’t be repeated. When I was 8, I’d never heard anything like it, and I can honestly say that if I live to be 100, I’ll never hear anything like it again.

Week In Review

2007-05-08T10:50:00.000-06:00

Highlights from HARPER'S WEEKLY:

[Forgive my extended hiatus. I will do my best to post more regularly.]

Texas Congressman Ron Paul said that not going to war in Iraq would have been "conservative," because "it's a Republican, it's a pro-American, it follows the Founding Fathers. And besides, it follows the Constitution."

[Excuse me?]

It was announced that Reagan's diaries would be published. "Getting shot," he wrote in 1981, "hurts."

British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that he will announce his resignation next week.

Police in Tehran forbade barbers from giving men Western style haircuts or plucking their eyebrows.

President Bush vetoed an Iraq spending bill that included a timetable for troop withdrawal and threatened to use his third veto on a bill that would expand the legal definition of hate crime to include violence based on gender or sexuality.

Sony apologized and admitted that it might have been "inappropriate" to promote a new videogame based on Greek mythology by holding a launch party in London featuring topless serving girls and guests eating offal from the stomach of a decapitated goat.

Britons were enjoying a new reality television series called "Fat Teens Can't Hunt" in which ten overweight teenagers were sent to Australia's outback to live and eat with Aboriginal communities.

The Pocket

2007-03-15T18:25:00.000-06:00

Check out my new blog:

THE POCKET VETO

Leave it on your desktop.

Sleeping Beauty? ...not so much

2007-03-01T12:29:00.000-06:00

For more than a year, I slept on a Swedish-made Tempur-Pedic mattress. I’m absolutely positive that you’ve encountered their relentless marketing campaign: The only mattress recognized by NASA and certified by the Space Foundation, Tempur-Pedic features heat sensitive memory foam designed to conform to the contours of the human body, relieve pressure points, and promote deep, uninterrupted sleep. How could anyone resist?

Actually, it’s like sleeping in a giant bowl of reheated oatmeal. The memory foam envelops your body, and you become entangled in a mess of wrinkled, sweaty sheets. With every move that you make, you sink deeper and deeper into the void. The Tempur-pedic is, in words of John Milton, “a dark illimitable ocean, without bound, without dimension: where time and place are lost.”

And, no, it's not good for you back.

VOTE!

2007-02-27T00:51:00.000-06:00

If you live in Chicago, please vote today!

Faustus

2007-02-12T01:12:00.000-06:00

Does anyone else think it's kind of funny that Harvard's new president is named Dr. Faust?

(Incidentally, Dr. Drew Gilpin Faust is the first female president since Harvard's inception in 1636.)

What "Dime" Is It?

2007-02-07T12:20:00.000-06:00

We have divided our days into twenty-four hours. Each hour contains sixty minutes, each minute contains sixty seconds, and--get this--each second contains septillion yoctoseconds. (If you can believe it, “yoctosecond” is one trillionth of one trillionth of one second.)

We accept this twenty-four hour clock without hesitation, but it is not unrivaled. In 1793, the French--God bless them and their baguettes--introduced a system of decimal time. Midnight became ten o’clock, noon became five, and so on. Needless to say, this system never really caught on. But, like all things unpopular and impractical, decimal time has a substantial cult following. In fact, decimal advocates recently re-proposed this system, which they have now dubbed “Dime.” Each Day contains ten “Dours,” each with 100 “Dinutes,” divided into 100 “Deconds.” (This is not a joke.)

Nor is our clock immutable. In the year 1752, the English-speaking world went to sleep on Wednesday, September 2nd, and awoke, the following morning, on Thursday, September 14th. This leap was implemented in order to align England’s calendar (Julian) with that of Continental Europe (Gregorian). Prior to this transition, a traveler headed from London to Paris had to set his watch ahead by two hundred and sixty-five hours! And so, under the mandate of King George II, eleven days were excised from our calendar. Poof.

(Ever wonder why we celebrate George Washington's birthday on February 22 when he was, in fact, born on February 11?)

Click here to find out what "Dime" it is.

(Cartoon by Kyle Baker, (c) 2005)

Chief.

2007-02-01T13:39:00.000-06:00

This is kind of brilliant.

From the Op-Ed page of The New York Times:

At Ease, Mr. President
By Barry Wills
Saturday January 27,2007

WE hear constantly now about “our commander in chief.” The word has become a synonym for “president.” It is said that we “elect a commander in chief.” It is asked whether this or that candidate is “worthy to be our commander in chief.”

But the president is not our commander in chief. He certainly is not mine. I am not in the Army...

The president is not the commander in chief of civilians. He is not even commander in chief of National Guard troops unless and until they are federalized. The Constitution is clear on this: “The president shall be commander in chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the militia of the several states, when called into the actual service of the United States.”

When Abraham Lincoln took actions based on military considerations, he gave himself the proper title, “commander in chief of the Army and Navy of the United States.” That title is rarely — more like never — heard today. It is just “commander in chief,” or even “commander in chief of the United States.” This reflects the increasing militarization of our politics. The citizenry at large is now thought of as under military discipline. In wartime, it is true, people submit to the national leadership more than in peacetime. The executive branch takes actions in secret, unaccountable to the electorate, to hide its moves from the enemy and protect national secrets. Constitutional shortcuts are taken “for the duration.” But those impositions are removed when normal life returns.

But we have not seen normal life in 66 years. The wartime discipline imposed in 1941 has never been lifted, and “the duration” has become the norm. World War II melded into the cold war, with greater secrecy than ever — more classified information, tougher security clearances. And now the cold war has modulated into the war on terrorism...

The glorification of the president as a war leader is registered in numerous and substantial executive aggrandizements; but it is symbolized in other ways that, while small in themselves, dispose the citizenry to accept those aggrandizements. We are reminded, for instance, of the expanded commander in chief status every time a modern president gets off the White House helicopter and returns the salute of marines.

That is an innovation that was begun by Ronald Reagan. Dwight Eisenhower, a real general, knew that the salute is for the uniform, and as president he was not wearing one. An exchange of salutes was out of order. (George Bush came as close as he could to wearing a uniform while president when he landed on the telegenic aircraft carrier in an Air Force flight jacket).

We used to take pride in civilian leadership of the military under the Constitution, a principle that George Washington embraced when he avoided military symbols at Mount Vernon. We are not led — or were not in the past — by caudillos.

To read the full article click here.

"Revoluton, Evolution, Masturbation, Flagellation, Regulation, Integrations, Meditations, United Nations, Congratulations..."

2007-01-28T21:20:00.000-06:00

Following are some photos a friend of mine took at the January 27 anti-war protest in the District of Columbia.

Photos by Alex Barnard.
Lyrics by John Lennon, "Give Peace a Chance."

Mr. President?

2007-01-25T22:03:00.000-06:00

John Edwards is pretty good looking. (As a matter of fact, in 2000, People magazine named Edwards the sexiest politician alive.)

He is also an incredibly attractive candidate and, this time around, he's packing quite a punch.

Following are three excerpts from his response to President Bush's State of the Union Address:

1. Instead of increasing the number of troops in Iraq, we should immediately withdraw 40–50,000 troops... Since the President refuses to change course, Congress must use its power of the purse and block funding for an escalation of war. Over 80,000 people from across the country have joined me in calling on Congress to stop President Bush's misguided plan to escalate the war. Congress has the power to stop this escalation — they should use it.

Well, I can't argue with that.

(Click here to see the note Edwards sent to Congress. If you look really closely, you will see my name.)

2. The time for patching up our health care system has ended. We need universal health care in this country and we need it now.

(Senator Clinton, on the other hand, has proposed "affordable" health care. Let me be the first to tell you: "Affordable" is not the same as "Universal.")

3. In order to curb our dependence on foreign oil and address global warming, the United States needs a major investment in energy innovation, on a scale that this President isn't talking about. We need to ask Americans to be patriotic about something other than war and involve everyone — government, industry, and individuals — in the solution.

He is back. And he's back with a vengance.

www.johnedwards.com

We Tell the World What Time It Is

2007-01-23T15:58:00.000-06:00

On January 18, 2007, The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists issued the following statement:

We stand at the brink of a second nuclear age. Not since the first atomic bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki has the world faced such perilous choices. North Korea’s recent test of a nuclear weapon, Iran’s nuclear ambitions, a renewed U.S. emphasis on the military utility of nuclear weapons, the failure to adequately secure nuclear materials, and the continued presence of some 26,000 nuclear weapons in the United States and Russia are symptomatic of a larger failure to solve the problems posed by the most destructive technology on Earth.

In light of the current global climate, the Bulletin set its iconic "Doomsday Clock" two minutes closer to midnight:

To read the Bulletin's complete analysis, click here.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE "DOOMSDAY CLOCK"

On December 10, 1945, The Atomic Scientists of Chicago--an organization founded in September of the same year--published the first volume of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists of Chicago (later shortened to the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists). The organization’s primary objectives were:

1.To explore, clarify and formulate the opinion and responsibilities of scientists in regard to the problems brought about by the release of nuclear energy, and

2.To educate the public to a full understanding of the scientific, technological and social problems arising from the release of nuclear energy.

The Bulletin gained almost instantaneous notoriety; circulation rose from six hundred fifty copies in 1945 to ten thousand copies the following year. Appealing to scientists and laymen alike, the Bulletin established itself as the pre-eminent nuclear authority. In fact, in a series of 1947 advertisements, the Bulletin proclaimed to be “...the only publication which gives the informed citizen such complete, extensive and authoritative information on the greatest problem the human race has faced since the discovery of fire.” As such, the Bulletin played a consequential role in development of America’s atomic lexicon. (In fact, the Bulletin defined the phrase “fall out” some four and a half years before it appeared on the pages of the New York Times.) But the Bulletin’s most significant contribution to America’s nuclear cognizance--and subsequent anxiety--was the “Doomsday Clock,” an image that has dominated the cover of the Bulletin since its creation in June of 1947. In a matter of years, this clock became one of America’s most recognizable nuclear icons.

A note appeared on the last page of the April/May, 1947 Bulletin, which read:

TO OUR READERS
Within its next issue, the BULLETIN will adopt a new, expanded format designed for easier reading and more attractive appearance. The June issue will also bring another innovation – a cover designed to protect your copy in the mail and to preserve your BULLETIN for permanent filing.

Bulletin co-founder Hyman Goldsmith asked artist Martyl Langsdorf, the wife of a Manhattan Project physicist, to design the cover for the June 1947 issue. Langsdorf developed “the idea of using a clock to symbolize urgency.” She planned to repeat the image monthly, with different background colors. Although Langsdorf’s intention was to represent impending danger, her decision to place the minute hand seven ticks before midnight was a simply a matter of “good design.” Strange, no, that a (relatively arbitrary) artistic rendering has become such a prominent barometer of impending doom?

On September 23, 1949, President Truman announced: “We have evidence that within recent weeks an atomic explosion occurred in the U.S.S.R.” Anxiety erupted: the United States was no longer the world’s only atomic superpower! The following month, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists altered their cover image for the first time since the image’s creation two years earlier. The Bulletin repositioned the minute hand just three minutes before midnight, indicating a rapidly approaching apocalypse.

Note: Nowhere in the October 1949 issue of the Bulletin, do the editors address the clock’s time change. In fact, out of eighteen time changes, this is the only one that goes unmentioned. It did not, however, go unnoticed.

On August 12, 1953 the Russians exploded their first thermonuclear weapon (hydrogen bomb), closely following America’s detonation of thermonuclear devices. This nuclear evolution prompted a second "Doomsday" time change. The Bulletin advanced the clock to 11:58, just two minutes before midnight.

This issue featured an essay entitled "The Narrowing Way," in which Bulletin co-founder Eugene Rabinowitch wrote:

The hands of the clock of doom have moved again. Only a few more swings of the pendulum, and, from Moscow to Chicago, atomic explosions will strike midnight for Western civilization.

January, 1960 brought about a favorable change. After six and a half years of sitting two minutes away from the end of the world, mankind was granted a reprieve. The editors of the Bulletin reset the clock to its original time: seven minutes before midnight.

Rabinowitch explained the nature of this change in an essay entitled “The Dawn of a New Decade”:

In recognition of these new hopeful elements in the world picture, we are moving the ‘clock of doom’ on the Bulletin’s cover a few minutes back from midnight. In doing so we are not succumbing to a facile optimism, engendered by a change in the climate of our diplomatic relationships with the Soviet Union... We want to express in this move our belief that a new cohesive force has entered the interplay of forces shaping the fate of mankind, and is making the future of man a little less foreboding...

Between 1960 and 2007 the Doomsday Clock changed an additional fifteen times. (For a comprehesive timeline, see below.) In 1991, the world saw its most favorable hour in 44 years: the big hand was set a comfortable seventeen minutes before midnight. But the honeymoon was shortlived, and in 1995 our sense of global security was, once again, on the decline. Since that time, the Doomsday Clock has only moved closer and closer to the witching hour...

As the Bulletin's January 18 analysis reminds us:

The Clock is Ticking.

***

Doomsday Clock Timeline

Madame Speaker, The President of the United States....

2007-01-23T15:48:00.000-06:00

From HARPER'S WEEKLY REVIEW, 1.23.07:

The United Nations announced that 34,452 civilians were killed in Iraq last year, a number nearly three times higher than previous estimates by the Iraqi interior ministry. "I think," said President George W. Bush, "the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude."

Yes, George, you're right.

you fucking moron.

Typewriters

2007-01-22T08:05:00.000-06:00

Throughout the twentieth century, a number of prominent authors have demonstrated steadfast loyalty to their chosen typewriter make and model.

Following is a list of authors and the typewriters they favored:

Arthur C. Clarke, b. 1917
(2001: A Space Odyssey)

Remington Noiseless Portable, 1940s

Agatha Christie, 1890-1976
(Agatha Christie's books have sold over one billion copies (in English alone). She wrote 79 novels and short story collections and is outsold only by the Bible and Shakespeare.)

Remington Portable, 1920s

Note: This machine is the first portable to use a 4-bank standard keyboard. Previous portable models featured a 3-bank keyboard:

William Faulkner, 1897-1962
(Although Faulkner normally wrote by hand, he wrote so quickly that he often typed up his day's work, in order to read it the following morning.)

Underwood Standard Portable, late 1920s

Allen Ginsberg, 1926-1997
"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness..."

Remington Rand No. 5, 1930s

That's a pretty handsome machine, Mr. Ginsberg.

Ernest Hemingway, 1899-1961

Royal Quiet DeLuxe Portable, early 1940s

John Irving, b. 1942
(The World According to Garp, A Prayer for Owen Meany)

IBM Selectric, 1970s

Tennessee Williams, 1911-1983

Olivetti Studio 44, 1950s

Here is the model I use:

Smith-Corona Sterling (featuring "Floating Shift"), late 1940s
(It works like a charm!)

For more typewriters, click here.

Check out "Authors A to Z" to see a list of more than fifty authors and the typewriters they favored.

January 18

2007-01-18T01:08:00.000-06:00

1778--Capt. James Cook is the first known European to discover the Hawaiian Islands, which he names the "Sandwich Islands."

1896--The X-ray machine is exhibited for the first time.

1912--British explorer Robert Falcon Scott arrives at the South Pole only to discover that Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen has preceded him by just over a month.

1916--A 611 gram chondrite type meteorite struck a house near the village of Baxter in Stone County, Missouri.

1919--Bentley Motors Limited is founded.

1944--The Metropolitan Opera House in New York City hosts its first jazz concert; performers include Louis Armstrong, Benny Goodman, Lionel Hampton, Artie Shaw, Roy Eldridge and Jack Teagarden.

1964--Plans are revealed for the World Trade Center in New York City.

1964--The Beatles appear on the Billboard magazine charts for the first time.

1993--For the first time, Martin Luther King Day is officially observed in all 50 US states.

Dear Congressman

2007-01-16T00:44:00.000-06:00

In response to my January 11 post, George II and George III, Salt Lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson alerted me to the following story:

Rocky Anderson calls for Bush impeachment*

This is, of course, brilliant.

But it's not enough to cheer from behind a computer screen. Contact your congressman, refer her to Article I, Sections 2 and 8 of the United States Constitution and implore her to prevent the deployment of 21,500 additional troops to Iraq.

As of yet, congress has failed to exercise any constitutional leverage--and they have quite a bit. (Like the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution is a pretty sharp document.)

We have a responsibility to make sure our representatives accurately represent us. Get your asses in gear!

Here is how you contact your congressman:

1. Determine who your representative is. (If you don't know, slap yourself on the wrist, and then click here.)

2. But let's not mess around on the Capital's website. For detailed contact information (including phone, fax, and e-mail) click here.

Call today!

---

*Mac users, if you have trouble viewing ABC 4's video, please run Flip4Mac. Go to system preferences, click the "Plug-In" tab, and check the box that reads "Launch Quick-Time."

In God We Trust

2007-01-15T14:36:00.000-06:00

I would like to recommend Sam Harris's book Letter to a Christian Nation.

Swift, well-reasoned, and suasive, this book unearths a series of unfortunate and alarming realities concerning our country's enduring allegiance to God. Whatever your religious persuasion, Letter to a Christian Nation book is guaranteed to enlighten.

Below, you will find several excerpts from Harris's book: compelling facts and figures that, I can only hope, will move you to read this book from cover to cover (a mere 91 pages).

According to a recent Gallup poll, only 12 percent of Americans believe that life on earth has evolved through a natural process, without the interference of a deity. Thirty-one percent believe that evolution has been "guided by God."

The same Gallup poll revealed that 53 percent of Americans are actually creationists. This means that despite a full century of scientific insights attesting to the antiquity of life and the greater antiquity of the earth, more than half of our neighbors believe that the entire cosmos was created six thousand years ago. This is, incidentally, a thousand years after the Sumerians invented glue. Those with the power to elect our presidents and congressmen--and many who themselves get elected--believe that dinosaurs lived two by two upon Noah's ark, that light from distant galaxies was created en route to the earth, and that the first members of our species were fashioned out of dirt and divine breath, in a garden with a talking snake, by the hands of an invisible God (x - xi).

Norway, Iceland, Australia, Canada, Sweden, Switzerland, Belgium, Japan, the Netherlands, Denmark, and the United Kingdom are among the least religious societies on earth. According to the United Nations' Human Development Report (2005) they are also the healthiest, as indicated by life expectancy, adult literacy, per capita income, educational attainment, gender equality, homicide rate, and infant mortality... Conversely, the fifty nations now ranked lowest in terms of the United Nations' human development index are unwaveringly religious (43 - 44).

ABOVE: The percentage of people in European countries who responded "I believe there is a God" in a 2005 Eurobarometer poll. (The two darkest countries are Turkey and Romania. The lightest are the Czech Republic and Estonia.)

In 2005, a survey was conducted in thirty-four countries measuring the percentage of adults who accept evolution. The United States ranked thirty-third, just above Turkey. Meanwhile, the high school students in the United States test below those of every European and Asian nation in their understanding of science and math. These data are unequivocal: we are building a civilization of ignorance (70).

Competing religious doctrines have shattered our world into seperate moral communities, and these divisions have become a continual source of human conflict.

In response to this situation, many sensible people advocate something called religious tolerance. While religious tolerance is surely better than religious war, tolerance is not without its problems. Our fear of provoking rligious hatred has rendered us unwilling to criticize ideas that are increasingly maladaptive and patently ridiculous (80).

GO BUY IT!

Harris, Sam. Letter to a Christian Nation. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2006.

George II and George III

2007-01-11T00:22:00.000-06:00

Following President Bush's unsurprisingly deplorable speech to the Nation delivered on Wednesday evening from the White House library, I happened to read our country's Declaration of Independence (for the first time in at least ten years).

For those of you who have not encountered this treatise since your days in middle school, you owe yourself a reunion. In an age dominated by bullshit rhetoric and political spin, this elegantly composed, well-argued, and appropriately concise document will (almost certainly) provide (the proverbial) breath of fresh air.

The Declaration of Independence contains a very specific list of grievances directed at King George III in particular, and to the English Crown in general.

Five of these grievances caught my attention, and I have listed them below. (While you will not observe a series of direct parallels--the political climate has changed a bit in 231 years--you may find some unsettling similarities. I certainly have.)

I remind you: the following injustices galvanized the birth of our Nation, and our Constitution (completed eleven years later), was specifically designed to ensure that such injustices were never again perpetrated against the people of this sovereign State.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly Firmness his Invasions on the Rights of People.

He has endeavoured to prevent the Population of these States; for that Purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their Migrations hither, and raising the Conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a Jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution, and unacknowledged by our Laws.

He is, at this Time, transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the Works of Death, Desolation, and Tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and Perfidy, scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous Ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized Nation.

Following these (and other) grievances, is this assertion:

A Prince, whose Character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the Ruler of a free People.

Meet Amy

2007-01-08T16:06:00.000-06:00

From an interview with Saturday Night Live cast member Amy Poehler, featured in the October/November 2006 issue of BUST Magazine.

Poehler: We were just talking about those American Apparel ads. They're fucking gross, man. Look, I love beautiful girls too. I think everyone should be free to have their knee socks and their sweaty shorts, but I'm over it. I'm over this weird, exhausted girl. I'm over the girl that's tired and freezing and hungry. I like bossy girls, I always have. I like people filled with life. I'm over this weird media thing with all this, like, hollow-eyed, empty, party crap.

Parenthetically--American Apparel's CEO, Dov Charney, has been accused of conducting job interviews in his underwear, giving his employees vibrators, masturbating (on multiple occasions) in front of a reporter from Jane Magazine, and engaging in a variety of sexual activities with employees at his corporate office.

One Hundred Ten

2007-01-04T11:53:00.000-06:00

I would like to offer a warm welcome to the one hundred tenth United States Congress.

Get some meaningful shit accomplished, please.

Word for Word: X-mas

2006-12-24T09:36:00.000-06:00

For years, many devout Christians have claimed that the abbreviation "X-mas" is tantamount to blasphemy. While devotion and ignorance are not necessarily synonymous, it behooves those with immoderate convictions (religious or otherwise) to scrutinize their persuasions in order to ensure that they have not mistaken ill-informed precepts for absolute truth.

As a matter of fact, the Catholic Church coined the abbreviation "X-mas."

In the original Greek version of the New Testament the word "Christ" (Khristos) begins with the Greek character "X," or "chi" and appears as follows:

Χριστός

The Roman letter "X" (the 24th letter of our alphabet) is identical in appearance to the Greek character "chi." In the early days of printing and typesetting, the Church began abbreviating the word "Christ" with the letter "X." (Such abbreviations were highly cost effective and, as a result, a common phenomenon.)

"X" was embraced as a proxy for the word "Christ" and appeared in a variety of abbreviations, including "X-ian" (Christian), "X-enned" (Christened), and, of course, "X-mas."

There you have it!

And, please, have a Merry Christmas!

Luck of the Irish

2006-12-18T16:36:00.000-06:00

From the December 2006 issue of Harper's Magazine:

ASK NOT

From a November 10, 1962, letter by Rose Kennedy to her son, President John F. Kennedy, among 252 boxes of her notes and letters released in September by the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum in Boston.

Dear Jack,

In looking over my old diary, I found that you were urged on one occasion, when you were five years old, to wish for a happy death. But you turned down this suggestion and said that you would like to wish for two dogs instead. So do not blame the Bouviers if John has similar ideas.

Much love, dear Jack.

Well, shit.

A confession...

2006-12-13T17:12:00.000-06:00

Whenever I hear Melissa Block or Robert Siegel or Charlie Rose refer to "sectarian violence," I imagine--against my better intelligence--hundreds of secretaries, each seated at a large metal desk, carefully crafting paper airplanes armed with thumbtacks and staples, maliciously coordinating office-wide computer viruses, and cleverly programming ink jet printers to self destruct when asked to "collate."

Sec(re)tarian Violence. Absurd? Yes. Insensitive? Probably. But true all the same.

It's The Great Gatsby, Charlie Brown!

2006-12-11T17:12:00.000-06:00

Following is an excerpt from a story I am writing about a door-to-door Oxford English Dictionary salesman. Sections of the story are based on my early experiences in Chicago.

My neighborhood was freckled with rowdy sports bars--establishments featuring dozens of widescreen televisions, a variety of lo-carb beers, and, on Thursday nights, six-dollar Long Island iced teas. Packed, from wall to wall, with rugged young men displaying Greek characters on their skintight t-shirts, these watering holes reeked of stale cigarettes, eau de toilette, and unwashed armpits.

Counterpoint: I attended Vassar College in Poughkeepsie, New York, where students have been known to frolic through the woods, reciting Shakespeare and Milton. The college bookstore features a t-shirt that reads: “Vassar Football: Undefeated since 1861.” (One cannot be defeated if one does not exist.) No surprise, then, that I experienced a bit of culture shock upon arriving in a neighborhood marked by chronic nostalgia for Sigma Alpha Epsilon.

Sitting, one evening, at a relatively tame neighborhood saloon, enjoying an Irish whiskey, I engaged in what ultimately became a ruinous conversation with the gentleman seated next to me. Following a brief introduction, he offered: “I’m from St. Paul. You ever been?”

“No,” I said. “I’d love to visit. I actually wrote my undergraduate thesis on F. Scott Fitzgerald. He was born in St. Paul.”

“Oh, nice! F. Scott Fitzgerald. Yeah, I love ‘The Peanuts.’ Charlie Brown is hysterical.”

Conversations like this one leave me wondering: where did all of the smart people go and why wasn't I invited?

And now, you must watch this!

Hanukka, Hollywood Style

2006-12-05T14:24:00.000-06:00

From HARPER'S WEEKLY REVIEW, 12.5.06:

Conservative rabbis in Beverly Hills called for an end to the religious edict forbidding oral sex between men; anal congress, however, would still be forbidden.

OKAY!

Botching Jokes since 1943

2006-12-01T19:49:00.000-06:00

A great deal of attention has been paid to John Kerry's recent "botched joke," which addressed the (inevitable) relationship between college grades and military service.

The media has questioned whether or not this "b.j." will affect Mr. Kerry's potential bid for the White House in 2008.

I voted for John Kerry in 2004 and, to this day, consider his loss something of a tragedy.

Tragedy, as a dramatic form, necessitates a hero with an inborn flaw that will ultimately bring about his demise. Often times an oracle will identify a hero's flaw early in the hero's life. The oracle will also forecast the manner in which this hero will meet his quietus.

Now I am no oracle--only hindsight allows me to remove my spectacles--but allow me to say, here and now, that John Kerry is about as funny as a pencil.

(Unfortunately, unlike a pencil, he doesn't have an eraser.)

Panda Porn?

2006-11-30T11:01:00.000-06:00

One more item from HARPER'S WEEKLY REVIEW, 11.28.06:

Chinese scientists revealed that showing pornography to pandas has helped increase the captive panda population.

Wow.

Stealing Christmas All Over Again

2006-11-30T10:29:00.000-06:00

From HARPER'S WEEKLY REVIEW, 11.28.06

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich announced that he would lead an effort to revitalize the Republican Party. "I am not 'running' for president," said Gingrich. "I am seeking to create a movement to win the future by offering a series of solutions so compelling that if the American people say I have to be president, it will happen."

That's fucking perfect.

Word for Word: A Magpie's Nest...

2006-11-28T12:06:00.000-06:00

FIRST, A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR:

Dear Reader,

You may have noticed that, in recent weeks, SHOOT THE PIANO PLAYER has become increasingly explicit. I would like to remind you, however, that, from day one, the subtitle of this blog has read: "Explications and Elucidations." Interestingly enough, the adjective explicit and the noun explication are derived from the same Latin verb: explicare, meaning "to unfold." That said, in order to adhere to the task at hand, it behooves me to be as explicit as possible.
Thank you for your continued support.

Regards,
Christopher Devine
Editor, SHOOT THE PIANO PLAYER

*******************

AND NOW....

Pornographic Etymology: Muff

The Oxford English Dictionary defines the word Muff (noun, vulgar slang) as, "The female pubic hair."

The word (with the aforementioned definition) first appeared in the year 1699 in The New Dictionary of Ancient and Modern Terms and was defined as "a Woman's Secrets."

1707 was a pivotal year for the word Muff. In this momentous year, a gentleman by the name of J.S. Farmer elucidated the meaning of this word, and we are forever indebted to him. In a collection of "Merry Songs and Ballads," Mr. Farmer wrote:

The Muff between her Haunches,
Resembl'd a Mag-Pye's Nest.

There you have it!!

FUCK

2006-11-20T13:43:00.000-06:00

I would like to recommend the documentary film Fuck.

This film examines the history and etymology of the word Fuck, as well as its current cultural significance. Although it is, perhaps, twenty minutes too long, it is quite good.

For more information, click here

Peel Slowly and See

2006-11-17T14:07:00.000-06:00

From the May 2006 issue of HARPER'S.
This is pretty brilliant.

A Banana in the Sun.
From a letter written by Robert S. Poydasheff, the mayor of Columbus, Georgia, to Gwen Stewart, who had complained about policemen eating bananas at a civil-rights march in January 2005. According to Poydasheff, she considered the banana “an affront,” though she would not specify why. Local media speculated that Stewart perceived the fruit as a slur equating African Americans with apes.

Dear Ms. Stewart,

I am sorry you found Columbus police officers eating bananas on the street when you arrived in Columbus for the protest. Let me assure you there was no intent to offend. The officers needed some nutrition after standing long hours on the street, and they particularly needed the potassium available in bananas and some other fruits.

Accordingly, they were given bananas along with some drinking water. There was no thought of insulting or offending anyone, and perhaps that was thoughtless on our part. In any case, let me offer my sincere apology for anything our officers may have done that gave offense to you or anyone else. I want to assure you that it will not happen again. I want to encourage you to come back to Columbus and get to know us better. You will find this a place where African Americans and all other people are valued equally and are welcomed to full participation in community life. Again, I am sorry you were offended, and I hope you will accept this sincere apology.

Respectfully,
Robert S. Poydasheff

I LIKE YOU

2006-11-05T13:06:00.000-06:00

I would like to recommend the film Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Perhaps not as fresh as Da Ali G Show, it remains a "must see" (if only for the scene that features Borat in the hotel elevator).

To view the trailer, click HERE

Word for Word

2006-10-09T23:14:00.000-06:00

Pornographic Etymology: Cunt

The Oxford American Dictionary (the American cousin of our great lexical authority, the Oxford English Dictionary) defines the word "cunt" (noun, vulgar slang) as 1) a woman's genitals; 2) a woman

The word "cunt" first appeared in the year 1230 as part of a street name: Gropecunt Lane--a thoroughfare in London where prostitutes conducted their business.

In 1390 Geoffrey Chaucer used the word "cunt" in The Miller's Tale (part of The Cantebury Tales):

"Pryvely he caught her by the queynte"
(In modern English: "Privately, he caught her by the cunt")

Parenthetically--if anyone is interested in reading some old school smut, Geoffrey Chaucer is your guy.

Some believe that Chaucer's use of the word "queynte" also invoked the word "quaint," forming what is known as a "double entendre." So the next time someone calls you a "cunt," they may, in fact, mean that you are simply "attractively unusual or old-fashioned."

Hey, what are you pointing at?

What's happening in Mongolia?

2006-10-07T21:38:00.001-06:00

If this isn't hillarious, I don't know what is.

From The New York Times
October 6, 2006:

Genghis Khan Beer?
Mongolia Grimaces

ULAN BATOR, Mongolia, Oct. 5 (AP)--Mongolia's legislature on Thursday began debating a bill to regulate the use of the name Genghis Khan to prevent it from being comercially misused.

Since Mongolia emerged from the shadow of the Soviet Union in 1991, the name of the its legendary conqueror and revered national symbol has been used for a half-dozen commercial brands, including vodka and beer.

Under the proposed law, commerical use of the name would be granted only by the government, which would set fees for its licensing.

"We are not showing enough respect to Genghis Khan," said one lawmaker, E. Bat-Uul. "If today somebody produces toilet paper with Genghis Khan's name, we do not know what to do about it, as currently there is no law to regulate this issue."

A woman checks vodka bottles featuring an image of legendary Mongolian leader Genghis Khan at the vodka factory of Gem International Co. in Ulan Bator, the capital of Mongolia

Film Recommendation

2006-10-03T10:24:00.000-06:00

I would like to recommend the documentary film Jesus Camp. It is a "must-see."

For more info, click here

To see the trailer, click here

John Weidman responds, via e-mail

2006-09-02T10:48:00.000-06:00

Following is an e-mail from John Weidman, president of the Dramatists Guild of America

Dear Mr. Devine:

Thanks for your e-mail. I certainly share you concern about the future of the musical and at bottom it was that concern which caused me to complain about Ms. Weiss's review in the first place. Of course criticism is an essential part of the developmental process, but there is a line--and it is not a fine one--between the "criticism" represented by an audience reaction and a professional critic's review, published in one of the most influential and widely read newspapers in the country. If new musicals--particularly eccentric, adventurous ones--are to have any chance to thrive, they must be left alone until the artists creating them decide they are ready to be exposed to this kind of judgmental evaluation.

Sincerely,
John Weidman

Ms. Weiss Responds, via e-mail

2006-09-01T11:02:00.000-06:00

Dear Christopher Devine:
Thank you so much for the supportive letter. It means a lot. And of course I think you got the whole picture just right.

Best,
Hedy Weiss

In Defense of Hedy Weiss

2006-09-01T10:12:00.000-06:00

The following article was printed in The New York Times on August 31, 2006.
(Below is a letter I wrote to both the editor of The New York Times and The Chicago Sun-Times in response to this controversy.)

Chicago Critic Criticized for an ‘Unfair’ Review
By CAMPBELL ROBERTSON

“Irresponsible” — Edward Albee.

“Ignorant” — Stephen Schwartz.

“Incapable of understanding standards of professional and ethical conduct” — Tony Kushner.

The reviews are in for Hedy Weiss, a theater critic for The Chicago Sun-Times for more than 20 years, and they’re not pretty.

The unlikely source of the outrage is a small 30-year-old theater company called Theater Building Chicago, which helps artists develop original musicals. For 13 years the company has presented a weekend-long festival of musicals in progress, called Stages. In the early years, critics were asked not to review the shows, since the musicals were not finished products. Recently, this request has not been explicit.

Enter Ms. Weiss. She and others have written features about Stages in the past, and in recent years Ms. Weiss has written reviews as well.

The reviews came as a surprise, said Joan Mazzonelli, the executive director of Theater Building Chicago. But no one objected, and Ms. Weiss was always invited back.

This year, Ms. Weiss’s review of Stages, which ran on Aug. 16, three days after the festival, was far more disapproving than in previous years. “The eight deeply flawed new musicals seemed to suggest the art form has fallen on very hard times,” she wrote, adding that none of the shows, “whether in semi-staged or concert-reading style, was ready for prime time.”

Before discussing each musical, Ms. Weiss also wrote that she did not sit through any of the shows in its entirety because of their poor quality.

The review came to the attention of a member of the Dramatists Guild of America, Jeffrey Sweet, who alerted other guild members. A tempest of outraged e-mail messages rose up within the ranks of the guild; contributors included Mr. Albee, Mr. Schwartz and Mr. Kushner, as well as Lynn Ahrens, Alfred Uhry and Theresa Rebeck. On Aug. 24, John Weidman, president of the guild, sent a letter to the publisher and editor of The Sun-Times, along with copies of 22 of the e-mail messages.

Ms. Weiss’s decision to review the musicals, the letter said, “was a shocking and irresponsible betrayal of one of the fundamental understandings which makes the creation of new work possible.” The understanding, the letter continued, is that the workshop process “provides an opportunity for writers to evaluate their work as it evolves, protected from the consequences of critical appraisal.”

The letter, which also condemned Ms. Weiss’s decision to give an opinion on shows she had seen only in part, demanded a public apology.

In a written response to the guild’s letter, Ms. Weiss said that she had reviewed the festival in the past without objection and no one had told her she could not review it this time. She also said the festival was a public event, with an advertising campaign and tickets. (A ticket to one performance cost $15.)

“If you are given a press kit and if you are given pictures,” she asked in a telephone interview yesterday, “what are you supposed to do with them?”

Though Mr. Weidman acknowledged that there might have been a misunderstanding about some of the specifics in this case, he said the general principle was still worth emphasizing: works in development should not be reviewed. An experienced critic like Ms. Weiss, he added, should know that, even if she was not explicitly told.

“A professional critic should not write that kind of piece about works that everyone knew were in development,” he said in an interview. “To publish a review of a work in progress is inappropriate.”

Theater Building Chicago sits quietly in the middle of this tempest. Ms. Mazzonelli has distanced herself from the Dramatists Guild, acknowledging that she had not made the festival’s policy clear to Ms. Weiss, whom she had encouraged to attend, along with other members of the press.

“Call it an error of omission is the best I can tell you,” she said. Then a few minutes later, she added, “What’s in my hands is that Hedy Weiss, who is a major reviewer, is upset with me.”

[To read Ms. Weiss's August 16th review of "Stages," click here.
To read the exchange between John Weidman and Hedy Weiss, published in the Sun-Times on August 31st, click here.]

To The Editor:

Chicago Sun-Times theatre critic Hedy Weiss is right: Musical theatre has fallen on hard times. Broadway is, right now, littered with revivals--from "Chicago" to "A Chorus Line" to "Sweeny Todd." And is "Phantom of the Opera" really STILL running?

Unfortunately, new musical adaptations of popular films such as, "The Wedding Singer," "Legally Blonde," and "High Fidelity," don't bode well for the future of the art form. Broadway's tiresome and, at times, laughable line-up reveals the true importance of generating new and compelling art, which, according to Ms. Weiss's Aug. 16th review, is just not happening.

And Ms. Weiss has every right to say so. What good is a workshop, if not for feedback? If new projects remain immune to critique how on earth can we expect them to grow?

Shame on the Dramatists Guild of America for condemning Ms. Weiss's review. They ought to applaud her critical sensibilities. Ms. Weiss is trying to uphold certain standards of quality in the theatre, which otherwise seem to be slipping. Without reviews like this, we may be in for another eight thousand performances of "Phantom."

Regards,
Christopher Devine

[This letter was published in The Chicago Sun-Times on September 6, 2006.]

61 Years Ago Today

2006-08-06T15:48:00.000-06:00

At 8:15 AM on August 6, 1945, The United States Army Air Forces dropped an atomic bomb over the city of Hiroshima, Japan. This was the first of two nuclear attacks aimed at putting an end to World War II.

Hours after this attack, the Washington Press Club prepared the first “Atomic Cocktail,” made from a combination of gin and Pernod--a bright green, anise-based liquor. When mixed with another liquid, Pernod immediately develops a cloudy white hue. This stunning transformation allowed Americans everywhere to simulate an atomic explosion from the comfort of their own kitchen! With the advent of the “Atomic Cocktail,” each home in America was now equipped to participate in the Atomic revolution.

In the days to follow, “Atomic” became a buzzword in America. Two days after the U.S. dropped the first bomb, Life magazine featured a full-page photograph of a starlet clad in a two-piece bathing suit, naming her “Miss Anatomic Bomb.” Shortly thereafter, Los Angeles burlesque houses began to feature “Atombomb Dancers.” And in December of 1945, country western singers Karl Davis and Harty Taylor recorded a song entitled “When the Atom Bomb Fell”--the first musical response to the deadly nuclear blasts.

Although the initial reactions to the Atom bomb were lighthearted, as the American public learned more about the bomb’s potential for mass destruction, anxiety blossomed. In March of 1946 the Federation of Atomic Scientists published a small paperback volume entitled One World or None, which described a hypothetical nuclear attack on the United States. This book quickly became a national bestseller. Similarly, in August of 1946, John Hersey’s account of Hiroshima in the wake of nuclear attack was published in The New Yorker. This article was subsequently published in book form and also became a national bestseller.

Reports of radioactive “fall-out”--a product of nuclear testing--heightened levels of anxiety. (The word “fall-out” first appeared in the New York Times on August 17, 1952: "Nevertheless, a good deal of radioactive stuff is picked up and carried by the wind and deposited all over the country... So far there have been no dangerous concentrations of radioactive ‘fall-out,’ as it is called, that is outside of the proving grounds in Nevada.")

President Eisenhower encouraged the Atomic Energy Commission to capitalize on the public’s lack of knowledge regarding the specifics of nuclear science. AEC Chairman Gordon Dean reported that Eisenhower said, “Keep them confused as to ‘fission’ and ‘fusion’.”

Eisenhower, who wanted to proceed with nuclear testing, viewed American anxiety as a threat to the development of a nuclear artillery. That said, he was aware of the rhetorical power of words like “fall-out.” By limiting the public’s exposure to such words, Ike hoped to keep Americans ignorant--eliminating fear and subsequent resistance to nuclear testing.

Unfortunately, Ike was too late. By the mid-Fifties, the atomic lexicon had become an integral part of American life. Elimination (or even suppression) of this lexicon was no longer possible and anxiety continued to swell throughout the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Today, 61 years after the first nuclear attack, we seem to be tormented by a similar set of set of anxieties. Although we no longer hear talk of "hydrogen bombs" and "fall-out shelters," the news is littered with comparable doomsday buzzwords. Not a day goes by without discussion of "uranium enrichment," "weapons of mass destruction," or "long range missiles."

Speaking of The New Yorker...

2006-07-15T12:20:00.000-06:00

From the May 29, 2006 issue of THE NEW YORKER:

Heaven Can Wait
by Anthony Lane

...There has been much debate over Dan Brown's novel ever since it was published, in 2003, but no question has been more contentious than this: if a person of sound mind begins reading the book at ten o'clock in the morning, at what time will he or she come to the realization that it is unmitigated junk? The answer, in my case, was 10:00.03, shortly after I read the opening sentence: "Renowned curator Jacques Saunière staggered through the vaulted archway of the museum's Grand Gallery." With that one word, "renowned," Brown proves that he hails from the school of elbow-joggers—nervy, worrisome authors who can't stop shoving us along with jabs of information and opinion that we don't yet require. (Buried far below this tic is an author's fear that his command of basic, unadorned English will not do the job; in the case of Brown, he's right.) You could dismiss that first stumble as a blip, but consider this, discovered on a random skim through the book: "Prominent New York editor Jonas Faukman tugged nervously at his goatee." What is more, he does so over "a half-eaten power lunch," one of the saddest phrases I have ever heard.

...How timid—how undefended in their powers of reason—must people be in order to yield to such preening? Are they reading "The DaVinciCode" because everybody on the subway is doing the same, and, if so, why, when they reach their stop, do they not realize their mistake and leave it on the seat, to be gathered up by the next sucker? Despite repeated attempts, I have never managed to crawl past page 100. As I sat down to watch "The DaVinciCode," therefore, I was in the lonely, if enviable, position of not actually knowing what happens.

Stumbling out from the final credits, tugging nervously at my goatee, I was none the wiser...

...As far as I am qualified to judge, the film remains unswervingly loyal to the book, displaying an obedience that Silas could not hope to match. I welcome this fidelity, because it allows us to propose a syllogism. The movie is baloney; the movie is an accurate representation of the book; therefore, the book is also baloney, although it takes even longer to consume...

...Behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people, except at Columbia Pictures, where the power lunches won't even be half-started. The Catholic Church has nothing to fear from this film. It is not just tripe. It is self-evident, spirit-lowering tripe that could not conceivably cause a single member of the flock to turn aside from the faith. Meanwhile, art historians can sleep easy once more, while fans of the book, which has finally been exposed for the pompous fraud that it is, will be shaken from their trance. In fact, the sole beneficiaries of the entire fiasco will be members of Opus Dei, some of whom practice mortification of the flesh. From now on, such penance will be simple—no lashings, no spiked cuff around the thigh. Just the price of a movie ticket, and two and a half hours of pain.

It gets better...

2006-06-28T17:41:00.000-06:00

From the July 3 issue of
The New Yorker:

FAREWELL SYMPHONY
Daniel Barenboim's final concerts in Chicago.

by Alex Ross

On June 17th, Daniel Barenboim ended his decade-and-a-half run as the music director of the Chicago Symphony with a gritty, impassioned performance of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony...

The concerts caused considerable excitement in Chicago, even among those who had never loved the conductor. Some listeners resisted his habit of insistently programming the likes of Carter and Boulez; others resented his pro-Palestinian statements, or criticized him for failing to evangelize to younger audiences. Nonetheless, spare tickets were going for five hundred dollars and up. On the last night of the series, a young man was seen out on Michigan Avenue waving a fistful of twenties.

###

Yes, that was me! Unfortunately, the article goes on to say that I did not get into the concert, which is false. A letter to the editor is in the works.

Stay tuned...

BRAVO!

2006-06-18T22:01:00.000-06:00

From the CHICAGO TRIBUNE, June 18, 2006:

Curtain call for the maestro
Barenboim bows out after 15 years as CSO director

By John von Rhein and Charles Storch
Tribune staff reporters

Daniel Barenboim wanted to go out with the biggest splash possible, and he got his wish.

With a sold-out Orchestra Hall resounding with the lofty paean to universal brotherhood known as Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, the Barenboim era at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra came to a close at about 10:20 Saturday night.

There were no final speeches, but the 63-year-old Barenboim preceded the performance of the Beethoven's Ninth with brief reflections on his 36-year association with the orchestra. This was his final concert as music director, a post he is leaving after 15 seasons.

"I will always treasure the musical and human trust they gave me through all these years," he said, adding that he felt "deep joy and pride" at the musicians' calling him Honorary Conductor for Life.

At the end, he applauded the orchestra and shook musicians' hands before acknowledging the roar of the crowd. The audience broke into rhythmic applause, calling him back for repeated bows, each louder than the previous...

In fact, many musicians were applauding and cheering as loudly as the audience. The ovations began at the very start of the evening, as Barenboim entered and sat down at the piano to conduct Beethoven's "Choral Fantasy."

All seats had been snapped up by subscribers and patrons by April 2005. But some hopeful fans stood outside the hall seeking a ticket. Among them was Christopher Devine, 23, of Chicago, waving a fan of $20s. "I would go up to $200 for a ticket," he said. "That's all I brought."

The audience included notables from the worlds of music, business and politics, including former World Bank President James Wolfensohn. Entering the hall, actor Ed Harris noted he is in a new film about Beethoven and was "very excited about hearing the music."

For CSO violinist Tom Hall, the Barenboim years were especially laden with emotion because they coincided with his own time in the orchestra. Hall joined the Chicago Symphony in 1970, when Barenboim debuted as a CSO guest conductor, and the violinist is retiring from the ensemble the same weekend the music director is leaving.

"It has been an honor, privilege and pleasure to belong to this wonderful orchestra for 36 years and, during that time, to work with this most remarkable musician," Hall said. "I am in awe of his keyboard virtuosity, extensive knowledge of music history and theory, probing intellect, courageous humanitarianism, and sharp and ready wit."

Caption: Christopher Devine of Chicago waves cash outside Symphony Center in an effort to get a seat for Daniel Barenboim's last performance with the CSO as its musical director. He finally succeeded.

Gathering No Moss

2006-06-07T10:20:00.000-06:00

When asked why the Rolling Stones named their 1978 album “Some Girls,” Keith Richards reportedly replied, “Because we couldn’t remember their fucking names.”

WORD FOR WORD: Rethinking "Jihad"

2006-06-06T13:49:00.000-06:00

The word “jihad” is one of the most commonly misunderstood Arabic words currently employed in the English language. The OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY--our ultimate lexical authority--defines “jihad” as “a religious war of Muslims against unbelievers in Islam.” This is a definition with which many Americans are (at least vaguely) familiar. The beauty of the OED is the detailed etymology it provides for each and every entry. Note, then, that the word’s original Arabic definition--“struggle, contest, specifically for the propagation of Islam”--doesn’t quite correspond with the current English denotation.

Yes, the difference between the English definition and the Arabic definition is seemingly minute. But a casual approach to language is liable to perpetuate a series of gross misunderstandings, and as learned individuals (equipped with dictionaries), we have the responsibility to examine the intricacies of such a disparity, however insignificant the disparity may seem.

There is a prepositional inversion that occurs between the Arabic definition and its English counterpart. The Arabic definition suggests that Muslims are struggling FOR--in support of--the growth of Islam. The English definition, on the other hand, suggests that Muslims are fighting AGAINST–-in opposition to--non-Muslims.

By employing a positive preposition, the Arabic definition figures Muslims as lionhearts, struggling to spread the word of their profit, Mohammed. Conversely, by employing a negative preposition, the English definition adopts a pejorative tone. It figures Muslims as antagonists and non-Muslims as victims. Furthermore, the Arabic definition utilizes the words “struggle” and “contest,” whereas the English definition replaces these words with the blatantly reductive and ultimately unfavorable word, “war.”

It is no wonder that the word “jihad” has such a negative connotation in our contemporary vernacular! Our Arabic lexicon is decidedly limited, and such limitations render us unable to speak about and, therefore, understand the complexities surrounding, say, “resistance movements” in Iraq. Over the years, the United States has come to view “jihad” as a form of “terrorism.” Well, how do you think Muslims feel about “a political war of Americans against unbelievers in democracy”?

"This Is The Place," Crosswalks: Part II

2006-06-03T12:45:00.000-06:00

I am pleased to report that the streets of Salt Lake City, Utah are beautifully decorated with REAL brick crosswalks! And believe it or not, there appear to be no instances of buckling. In fact, the condition of these crosswalks remains superb, the color in tact: such are the wonders of AUTHENTIC clay bricks. (Don't tell the folks at "StreetPrint"!) Crossing the street has never been so enjoyable.

Pedestrian safety is at an all time high in Salt Lake, thanks to the city’s (unapologetically liberal) mayor, Rocky Anderson. Pedestrian climate became a top city priority when Anderson took office in January of 2000. For years, Salt Lake has utilized a series of yellow chirping speakers, strategically placed alongside pedestrian traffic lights, in an effort to accommodate the city’s visually impaired citizens.

More recently, Mayor Anderson has implemented a system of "crosswalk flags" with the hope of reducing pedestrian involved accidents by increasing the visibility of pedestrians. One simply removes a bright orange flag from a receptacle at one end of a crosswalk, walks across the street, and replaces the flag in a matching receptacle before continuing along, merrily, merrily. The city currently maintains 40 flag crossing locations in the downtown area. Failure to yield to a disabled person in a crosswalk results in a $250 fine (raised from $100, prior to Anderson’s tenure).

Additionally, Salt Lake City sports a number of *clearly* marked bicycle lanes, which have served to end local skirmishes in the nation-wide civil war between motorists and cyclists. These bicycle lanes also promote alternative modes of transportation, part of Mayor Anderson's ongoing campaign to reduce carbon dioxide emissions in the city.

So how does this add up? Well, in 1999, the Ogden-Salt Lake City Metro Area was rated the 12th most deadly area in the nation for pedestrians. Since Mayor Anderson implemented the Pedestrian Safety Initiative, however, there have been ZERO pedestrian fatalities in Salt Lake City. In the program’s first two years alone, the Salt Lake City Police Department reported a citywide pedestrian accident rate reduction of 16%. Such dramatic improvements in pedestrian ambiance (augmented by stunning, authentic brick crosswalks and scenic mountain vistas) make the sidewalks of Salt Lake City some of the most enticing promenades in the United States.

For more information on Salt Lake City's pedestrian legislation, please click here: Salt Lake City Department of Transportation

Also, please submit your own appraisals of national and international pedestrian thoroughfares to "Shoot The Piano Player." I look forward to hearing from you!

Building a City of Forged Antiquity, One Fake Brick at a Time

2006-05-26T22:10:00.000-06:00

There is a company headquartered in Canada whose SOLE function is to make asphalt look like brick. No joke. Integrated Paving Concepts, Inc., more commonly known as “StreetPrint,” boasts that they are well on their way to becoming the preeminent world leader in “decorative asphalt solutions.” And as fate would have it, this renowned company has paved its way onto the thoroughfares of Chicago--part of Mayor Daley’s ongoing plan to make the City of Big Shoulders look more and more like Paris. Chicago’s streets are now freckled with fake brick crosswalks, all brought to you by the world’s most industrious and innovative asphalt decorators: StreetPrint.

Conceived in British Columbia in 1990 by a housing developer in search of an affordable decorative pavement, StreetPrint, was first exhibited to the asphalt paving industry in March of 1993 at an expo in Las Vegas. Within the year, Integrated Paving Concepts built a network of licensed StreetPrint applicators in North America. In September of 1994, StreetPrint made its Japanese debut, and in 1995 the fake bricks began a very successful European tenure at an international trade fair in Munich, Germany.

Today, StreetPrint is distributed by over 750 licensed applicators in more than 35 countries worldwide, including Italy, Spain, France, The United Kingdom, The Netherlands, Turkey, Australia, New Zealand, China, Hong Kong, Singapore, and select regions of Central America, South America, and the Middle East. In fact, more than 55 million square feet of our planet’s surface is covered by StreetPrint--a total market value of over $300 million.

“The advantage of our product,” explains Cleve Stordy, Vice President of Government Markets for StreetPrint, “is the simple installation and, more importantly, the low level of maintenance required to uphold the integrity of the print.” Beginning in 1998, StreetPrint implemented a comprehensive training and certification program focused on developing the Applicators’ capabilities to install “the most demanding commercial and government projects.” These trained technicians place a metal template onto the fully compacted, hot mix asphalt. The template is then impacted into the street surface with a large press. Once this texturing process is complete, surface colors are applied using a durable polymer cement surfacing system. (For a complete animated demonstration click here: Animation!)

StreetPrint offers a variety of patterns including Offset Brick, Herringbone, British Cobble, Eurofan, and Frisco Cobble, not to mention colors that range from standard Brick and Slate to Hunter Green and Safety Blue. The possibilities are seemingly limitless.

“StreetPrint is a decorative process used in place of more conventional, high maintenance products,” Stordy says, “such as stamped concrete or actual brick.” Thanks to its seamless installation, StreetPrint is safe for pedestrians. The solid surface creates almost no chance of buckling. It is favored, in particular, by wheelchair-bound persons and is very popular amongst communities and facilities designed for the elderly.

But the longevity of such a superficial product comes into question when considering the harsh weather and heavy traffic patterns in Chicago. In less than 18 months, the surfacing color on a series of crosswalks printed in Chicago’s Lincoln Park neighborhood has worn away, leaving an unsightly combination of fake brick and asphalt.

“A print in a residential area with light traffic may last many years,” Stordy explains. “Whereas, a print on a freeway may last many weeks. It just depends. But the texture itself is very durable and often all that is needed is a fresh layer of color. That is the beauty of StreetPrint.”

Why, then, after just a year and a half, are the crosswalks in one of Chicago’s premier neighborhoods so ragged looking? “The words 'maintenance' and 'Chicago,'” Stordy reminds us, “are oxymorons. We have enough trained technicians in the city that touch-up jobs really shouldn’t be a problem.”

Unfortunately, at the current rate it’s only a matter of time before this illustrious and innovative technology will fade from the city streets completely and hundreds of thousands of tax dollars with it.

501(c)(3)

2006-05-26T08:16:00.000-06:00

Is being nice tax deductable?